What Does It Take To Build Meaningful Relationships?

No man is an island. I’m sure you have heard of this adage at least once in your life. This phrase came from the book written by John Donne and suggests a basic human reality – that we can fully thrive if we are connected with other people and the world outside of us. Yes, connection with the inner self is important so that we can gain insight of who we are. But, our external connections are also essential because this is where we can practice our being and find meaning through our relationships.

Several researches have shown that people with social connections in general recover better from illnesses, live longer, and get to enjoy experiences more. No wonder that when we are around people, and with the right kind, life seems to become bearable for us. And although we can be friends with as many people as we can, having quality relationships, even with just one person, can be enough for us to feel better.

So, what does it take to welcome quality relationships into our lives? We can actually do a lot! But, in my opinion, the list below shows the most important things we need to pay attention to in building meaningful relationships.

1. Before starting to build relationships with others, build a relationship with yourself first.

Whatever our perception is about who we are, we will also expect the same from other people. If we believe that we are worthy of love, then we are also capable to gratefully receive love from other people and engage in things that satisfy us and help us grow. However, if we believe that love is something we do not deserve, then our actions towards other people will show just the same – we tend to push them back or run away when we feel that people are getting uncomfortably too close. Whatever we perceive in our mind, we will believe and it will affect our feelings and our behavior.

We also must come from a place of wholeness and abundance. We have to first become aware of our boundaries and limitations on until where and when we can give and take. When we give too much, we can lose ourselves. When we give too little, we also have too little to gain. When we jump into relationships expecting other people to hold our missing pieces and fill us in, what would then happen if they leave along the way? It is our responsibility to fill ourselves in, not someone else’s. So we have to learn to love and respect ourselves first and when our cup is full, then we can gift others with our overflow.

2. Engage in Active Constructive Communication.

Coined by psychologist Dr. Shelly Gable, an active constructive response is a kind of response wherein we are fully present and we share the positive experience of the other. When someone, a friend or a loved one, comes to us and shares with us something wonderful which they are experiencing, say an accomplishment or some good news they received, we don’t just acknowledge the feeling, but we also engage in same positive space they are in. Instead of being distracted with some other things or with negative thoughts, we put down whatever we are doing in that moment and give them our complete attention, feel their positive emotions, and encourage them to tell us more about it. Sometimes, our responses to other people’s stories can determine how we relate with them. If we want meaningful connections with the people most important to us, then we should believe that they also deserve our active, constructive and positive attention.

3. In building quality relationships, vulnerability and courage is required.

While it is true that the number of social connections we have can affect our well-being, I have friends who, despite their number of social networks and likes and followers they have on social media, still admit that they still feel lonely. Research also suggests that people’s satisfaction with their relationships can be a predictor of their happiness and that happy people have one or more close relationships. So, how can we weave quality into our relationships? As the author Brene Brown responds, through vulnerability and courage.

Vulnerability in relationships means that there is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Think of the time when you were invited to a Bible study and were asked to share about your personal struggles. On one hand, you feel that you have to preserve yourself by showing how strong you are. But, on the other hand, it is only through sharing such struggles that you feel that you are no less than different with other people. It is through embracing our vulnerability that we get to open ourselves to others, allowing them to get to know us better and relate to us more. And in accepting vulnerability comes courage. Courage is moving forth regardless of how we think people will think about us. It is showing up and choosing to be seen for who we really are even if we have no control over the outcome.

4. Building relationships require mutual effort.

I have once read that “relationships don't develop automatically and don't deepen on their own —it takes effort”. And like any other thing that we cultivate, like honing our skills or deepening our passions or just simply taking care of our plants and pets, relationships need commitment from us if we truly want it to become meaningful. And effort does not only come through one-way streets. It should be mutual with the other. Sure, there will be days when effort would seem to come from just one side. But, it doesn’t end there. The other should also put conscious effort and commitment to let you grow, too. Most of the time, a point of compromise is required. And if this happens, knowing that you are whole, you would then know until what point you are able to compromise.

I remember back in college, I had this conversation with a good friend about having “naked buddies” around. A naked buddy is the term we used for a person who we can expose every inch of our being to, both the good and the not so good, and will still accept us no matter what. In a way, having quality and meaningful relationships is like having a naked buddy around. To prepare us for that, we have to understand and accept that we have to know and love ourselves first and foremost, have the courage to be vulnerable, effectively communicate, and be willing to commit and compromise. Having positive, meaningful relationships with at least one person is the best predictor we have in building our own happiness.

-----

I have given a talk about this to the youth. If you want to watch it, you can head over to Tick Talk: Short Talk Series for the Youth | #LOVE: Nurturing Meaningful Relationships hosted by the Jaro Archdiocesan Youth Commission.

Ready to book a coaching session? Let's talk.