Taming the Toddler

When Kristoff turned two, I should admit that I felt a little bit anxious thinking that I will be dealing with a very assertive and opinionated toddler (please don’t get me started on how our daily life goes). The sweet, dependent, little baby I once happily cuddled for a year has suddenly evolved into this little head-strong creature. I’d tell you, handling a toddler is tough business at first (and still is even a year later), but, like in all things, this stage shall also pass. So, in this post, I’d like to share with you the tricks (heavily influenced by Dr. Harvey Karp’s book “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”) which worked for me and my husband in taming our toddler.

Learning from Dr. Karp’s book, we should understand that toddlers move and think very differently from adults in such that toddlers are illustrated as little cavemen and that they should be treated with respect just like anyone else. When we say toddlers as cavemen, we mean that toddlers operate on instinct and that their understanding of the world is still limited. As little cavemen, their brains are also not yet fully developed where their right brains (emotions, imagination, arts) function more than their left brain (logic, language, problem solving). So, toddlers are, in nature, impulsive and emotional. If your toddler is what I described just now, then they’re normal, there’s nothing to worry about! Having these two basic principles constantly in mind made me understand my toddler and connect to him more.

As with any relationship, effective communication is key in connecting with others. Now that I know how a toddler’s mind basically works, how can I then communicate to him effectively? Be at the same level as he is when talking to him. Imagine yourself talking to another person who is taller and bigger than you. What would you initially feel? I, for one, would feel overwhelmed and intimidated. What more for your toddler? The feeling of intimidation, and sometimes threat, plus the inability to communicate well to bigger people would put our toddler on defensive as a default stance. As the book puts it, toddlers are naturally egocentric. And so, if they feel threatened, their initial reaction would be to protect their ego and shut down the other person.

In order to show my toddler that I mean no harm and that I respect him (and also help him boost his ego), I make sure that he is at the same eye level as I am. When he’s standing on the floor or sitting on the bed, I kneel down. When eating, we adjust the height of his highchair so that his level would be the same as ours.

Reflect back his emotions, repeat his words and use short sentences. One of the common mistakes that we, parents, make when dealing with a crying (or shrieking) toddler is to shut their emotions down and tell them to stop crying. I know that it’s easy to say “stop crying!” or “tahan na!” to children when they start to do a drama show, but we should understand that crying is their way of communicating sadness or frustration especially when they have no words to describe their feelings yet. I noticed that whenever I tell my son to stop crying, he cries even more, and then it makes me angry even more!

And so, I learned about Toddler-ese, the language of toddlers. Basically, it works within these three premises: mirror our toddler’s emotion, repeat what they’re saying, and keep our sentences short. When a toddler gets angry or frustrated, his left brain shuts down. So, it is impossible to communicate to him with logic and words. His right brain, on the other hand, is fully functioning. So, body language and facial expressions will be our first tool to catch our toddler’s attention. If he’s angry, we mirror angry and so we wrinkle our face, make a fist, heighten our voice and use the same words that our toddler is saying. When he sees this, he would feel that we understand his emotions and what he is trying to say. By the time he starts calming down, we can then explain the situation (why we can’t buy his toy) and perhaps offer another alternative (buy French fries instead).

This method works for us most often than not. But, there will also be days when I cannot handle the patience required to do this. So, I just let him cry while I breathe and refresh in another side of the house, and come back to him and do Toddler-ese over again.

Be one or two steps ahead of him. Set his expectations. Most often than not, we know the reason behind why our toddlers throw tantrums. It might be because of his failed attempts to do something or frustration of not getting what he wants. The key is to be one or two steps ahead of our toddler, to develop some kind of foresight. If we are having a trip to the mall, my husband and I would map our way around the mall before we step out of the car. This is to make sure that we avoid any pit stops (Tom’s World, Kevin’s Toy Library) that will make our son crazy if we don’t allow him to play. The same strategy goes with our trip to the grocery store where we always avoid the candy/chocolate section.

We are also fond of using The Countdown – we basically countdown to him whenever we are about to leave a party or transition from one task to another. This method is most useful whenever he wants to play instead of brushing his teeth or taking a bath (which happens everyday, by the way). If he begs to play, we tell him, “Okay, go play, but just for 5 minutes. Then, let’s brush your teeth,” and then we start the countdown from there. This way, he already expects that his play time has an end and he knows what task is next. Same goes when he watches his favorite cartoon (our toddler usually goes nuts when he sees the credits). We tell him, “You’re cartoon show will be over by 5 minutes,” and when the 5-minute countdown is over, he just lets it go. In the book, it even suggests using a kitchen timer for the countdown.

We are role models. During the toddler stage of one’s development, they look up to older people – how they talk, act, dress. Monkey see, monkey do. And, I tell you, their brains are very much like sponges, absorbing everything they see or hear. So, at this stage, it is crucial that we, parents, watch how we talk and act around our toddlers. I remember this one time, when Kristoff was a year and a half, I tried turning off our small electric fan standing on the floor using my foot while Kristoff was around. The next day, while playing, he suddenly ran towards the fan and turned it off using his foot. Imagine my surprise! From that day on, I became very conscious about my actions whenever he is around.

So, don’t be surprised if our toddler screams at us when they are angry, or hits us or other people when they get frustrated. These wild actions may also be part of being a toddler, but it might also be a reflection on how we deal with them when we are angry or frustrated. Reflect on it. I, for one, am guilty about shouting to my son whenever my patience meter dies off. So, I won’t be shocked if he does the same with me. But, I see to it that after our little chaos, I look him in the eye and tell him I’m sorry and explain to him the reason of my anger. That way, he also understands that shouting is not a good thing to do and saying sorry is important when we know we hurt someone’s feelings.

Out of these four tricks I shared, the most important for me is the fourth point, that we are role-models to our children. This point is life-changing in a way because we do not only tame our toddlers, but we realize that we are also taming ourselves, on how to properly do things and how to treat people nicely.

I hope this post helped you. Much love to you and your toddler! 🙂

#mommylife #motherhood #parenting #toddler